The year my daughter turned four was one of the most trying years we've had. It was the first year I'd really seen a true tantrum, and the first time my daughter ever said she hated me.
Of course, at that age, they've really got no idea what hate is. They just say it to be hurtful and to get under your skin; to assert their independence. Even still, the first time those words came out of her mouth, I stepped into the restroom and cried my eyes out. Hearing those words from someone who you've devoted so much of your time and love to hurts...even if you know they don't fully grasp the meaning.
But, after that first time, she said it quite a few more times. Along with, "I want to go live with my dad!" which was equally, if not more hurtful. But, we made it through that year, and as if by magic, her fifth birthday brought back the delightful, sweet child I'd known before.
And now, she's six, and all bets are off. The past month has been filled with crying and tantrums a-plenty. She's locked herself in the room for an entire day, without even eating. She's thrown herself onto the floor and tried stuffing herself behind the couch. She's cried and screamed, and though the h-word hasn't come out just yet, I'm halfway anticipating it.
The trouble is, I've got no idea why. Is she just asserting her independence once more? Is she sad or upset about something? The only information she gives me when I ask her why, is that she misses her grandma...which makes no sense at all, in any of the situations. I feel like it's just a cop out for something else that's bothering her that she doesn't want to mention for some reason.
She's also been obsessed with death lately. She is always so concerned that her grandparents are old and going to die soon (they are only in their 60's and in decent health, so it's not something anyone else is really concerned about) She's also broken down crying, saying that she never wants to have a baby. I haven't the slightest idea why she worries about these things, or why she cries all the time.
We haven't had any major tragedies or life changes lately. It's been nearly a year since her father moved to California (and she is aware that he is moving back VERY soon), and no one has had any real health issues. The only death in the family we have had was a great aunt of mine who she barely knew. I know that things can affect children in different ways than adults, and they often have a hard time expressing how they feel...but I wish I had some sort of key to unlock the WHY of her behavior.
I feel lost and helpless, which is a horrible thing to feel at all, let alone as a mother. I feel like we're on this spiralling roller coaster, and the brakes have gone out, and even the emergency brakes aren't working. It's hard to see when it will finally stop, or how. It's a dreadful feeling.
But, I know this will blow over in time. I've just got to stay strong, and pray for guidance and strength.
Showing posts with label single motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single motherhood. Show all posts
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Miss President, Dentist Visits, and Other Miscellany
The end of the school year is drawing near, and life is unbelievably hectic. Between awards ceremonies, PTA dinners, and dentists appointments, I feel as though I'm being pulled in ten thousand directions all at once. But I've learned that this kind of busy is the kind of busy that I definitely like to be. Running between work and school and social events keeps me upbeat and energetic (though I am the first to admit that after a few days of the run-run-run schedule, I am ready for some rest and relaxation - that I don't always get.)
It's one of the things I actually enjoy about single motherhood. The fact that I'm everywhere all the time. Of course, it sometimes makes me feel like I'll never catch a break, but I also get to enjoy all the fun things that are going on! Of course, it sometimes means taking time off of work, or not committing myself and kiddo to too many things at once - but in the long run, I think it's worth it.
Kiddo had her first dentist appointment last week. I was able to get her in at the office of my childhood dentist, which thrilled me beyond all reason. He was a fantastic dentist and orthodontist, and specializes in pediatric dentistry, so I know she is in good hands. The funny thing was, though, that a couple of the dental hygenists still recognized me - as did the doc himself. And, it felt a little bit strange sitting in the waiting room, rather than in the exam chair. The appointment went well...pretty much as I had expected it. I already knew, going in, that kiddo has a pretty nasty cavity on the lower left side, and I noted that on her patient information sheet. We go on the first to have the tooth capped, and that is something that I feel extremely relieved about.
We also had our final "big" PTA meeting of the year last week, in which I was voted in as next year's PTA president. Am I crazy for taking the position? Probably. Is it going to be one of the most challenging things I've taken on, especially considering the lack of parental involvement and current state of the PTA? Yep, I'm sure it will be. But I think it'll be worth it...even if I can just make some tiny little impact - some improvement in the state of the family involvement in the school, I will count it as a victory.
Aside from that, not a lot has been going on. Just the typical grind of work-school-collapse at home. B is boaring a cruise ship today for a getaway with his brother and sister-in-law. They are headed up to Alaska. B is also making a deposit as well, on next year's cruise...the one we'll be taking together! I think every day I fall for him a little more, and while it scares me to death, there is something that just seems to click so well with us. Of course, being the way I am, I am constantly preparing myself for what will happen "when it all comes crashing down" (I don't consider myself a pessimist, but in the past, my life has had a way of going good-good-good and then SUPER HORRIBLE all of the sudden. So, I tend to be very precautionary about things.)
And I suppose, that is that...I realize this update hasn't been much more than idle rambling, but sometimes it just feels good to get it all out! More substance coming soon to a blog near you...
It's one of the things I actually enjoy about single motherhood. The fact that I'm everywhere all the time. Of course, it sometimes makes me feel like I'll never catch a break, but I also get to enjoy all the fun things that are going on! Of course, it sometimes means taking time off of work, or not committing myself and kiddo to too many things at once - but in the long run, I think it's worth it.
Kiddo had her first dentist appointment last week. I was able to get her in at the office of my childhood dentist, which thrilled me beyond all reason. He was a fantastic dentist and orthodontist, and specializes in pediatric dentistry, so I know she is in good hands. The funny thing was, though, that a couple of the dental hygenists still recognized me - as did the doc himself. And, it felt a little bit strange sitting in the waiting room, rather than in the exam chair. The appointment went well...pretty much as I had expected it. I already knew, going in, that kiddo has a pretty nasty cavity on the lower left side, and I noted that on her patient information sheet. We go on the first to have the tooth capped, and that is something that I feel extremely relieved about.
We also had our final "big" PTA meeting of the year last week, in which I was voted in as next year's PTA president. Am I crazy for taking the position? Probably. Is it going to be one of the most challenging things I've taken on, especially considering the lack of parental involvement and current state of the PTA? Yep, I'm sure it will be. But I think it'll be worth it...even if I can just make some tiny little impact - some improvement in the state of the family involvement in the school, I will count it as a victory.
Aside from that, not a lot has been going on. Just the typical grind of work-school-collapse at home. B is boaring a cruise ship today for a getaway with his brother and sister-in-law. They are headed up to Alaska. B is also making a deposit as well, on next year's cruise...the one we'll be taking together! I think every day I fall for him a little more, and while it scares me to death, there is something that just seems to click so well with us. Of course, being the way I am, I am constantly preparing myself for what will happen "when it all comes crashing down" (I don't consider myself a pessimist, but in the past, my life has had a way of going good-good-good and then SUPER HORRIBLE all of the sudden. So, I tend to be very precautionary about things.)
And I suppose, that is that...I realize this update hasn't been much more than idle rambling, but sometimes it just feels good to get it all out! More substance coming soon to a blog near you...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Because Daddy Lives Far Away
Kiddo has cried every day for the past two weeks. There's been a number of reasons that she's given. She didn't want to be the line leader, she didn't get to hug her grandma, she was upset she had to wear short socks...But last night, I think I finally got to the bottom of the real reason she's been crying.
First of all, let me preface this by saying - anyone who is part of a parenting TEAM, is so incredibly lucky. To have a mother and a father in the same household, or even nearby is such a blessing. True, you may get irritated with your husband sometimes. Maybe he leaves the seat up, or leaves his stubble in the sink. But in the grand scheme of things, it's important to realize how lucky you are (so long as it is a healthy relationship without abuse, etc. etc. If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out!)
That being said...my daughter has been crying, every single day for the past two weeks, because she misses her daddy. Yep, the daddy that decided that moving across the country to northern California was a great idea. The daddy that promised to take her to the beach and let her collect seashells. The daddy who has since been laid off from that job in northern California and stopped sending me any kind of support (not that it was a lot to begin with, but the little he did send helped). The daddy who has said he would come to visit around Valentine's Day and didn't. The daddy who first said he'd be moving back in May, and has since changed his story to, "well...our lease isn't up until August..."
When he left, she cried. For weeks. Every day after school she would just cry and cry and cry. She wouldn't eat. Finally, I thought we were all okay about the situation...until recently. Now, it is happening again, only now, she doesn't wait until after school. She cries in the morning getting ready instead, and then during lunch. She cries enough that I've had a teacher's aide from another class mention it to me.
And it's not fair. Why do I get to be the one trying to fix this? Why doesn't dear old dad have to step up to the plate and tell his daughter she needs to get it together so she can go to class?
I let her tears get to me this morning. I'd walked her into school and we were getting ready to walk back into the kindergarten area and the waterworks started again. I held her and told her it was going to be alright, daddy will be moving back soon, and that she needed to take a deep breath. But the tears kept on coming. Her pre-k teacher from last year walked by and saw her crying and stopped to talk to me. She mentioned having seen her upset yesterday morning and asked her what was wrong...of course, she started crying even harder, and I had to translate her words through her tears. When I told the teacher she was crying because her daddy lives far away, I had to lift my head and stare into the fluorescents to try and hold back the tears. I think she knew it, too, because she took kiddo's hand and walked her back, patted me on the shoulder and told me she would get her settled down.
My own tears began falling on the walk to the car. I took the curb on the way out of the parking lot as I tried to clear my eyes. I don't know why. Frustration? Exhaustion? Helplessness?
I need a vacation.
First of all, let me preface this by saying - anyone who is part of a parenting TEAM, is so incredibly lucky. To have a mother and a father in the same household, or even nearby is such a blessing. True, you may get irritated with your husband sometimes. Maybe he leaves the seat up, or leaves his stubble in the sink. But in the grand scheme of things, it's important to realize how lucky you are (so long as it is a healthy relationship without abuse, etc. etc. If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out!)
That being said...my daughter has been crying, every single day for the past two weeks, because she misses her daddy. Yep, the daddy that decided that moving across the country to northern California was a great idea. The daddy that promised to take her to the beach and let her collect seashells. The daddy who has since been laid off from that job in northern California and stopped sending me any kind of support (not that it was a lot to begin with, but the little he did send helped). The daddy who has said he would come to visit around Valentine's Day and didn't. The daddy who first said he'd be moving back in May, and has since changed his story to, "well...our lease isn't up until August..."
When he left, she cried. For weeks. Every day after school she would just cry and cry and cry. She wouldn't eat. Finally, I thought we were all okay about the situation...until recently. Now, it is happening again, only now, she doesn't wait until after school. She cries in the morning getting ready instead, and then during lunch. She cries enough that I've had a teacher's aide from another class mention it to me.
And it's not fair. Why do I get to be the one trying to fix this? Why doesn't dear old dad have to step up to the plate and tell his daughter she needs to get it together so she can go to class?
I let her tears get to me this morning. I'd walked her into school and we were getting ready to walk back into the kindergarten area and the waterworks started again. I held her and told her it was going to be alright, daddy will be moving back soon, and that she needed to take a deep breath. But the tears kept on coming. Her pre-k teacher from last year walked by and saw her crying and stopped to talk to me. She mentioned having seen her upset yesterday morning and asked her what was wrong...of course, she started crying even harder, and I had to translate her words through her tears. When I told the teacher she was crying because her daddy lives far away, I had to lift my head and stare into the fluorescents to try and hold back the tears. I think she knew it, too, because she took kiddo's hand and walked her back, patted me on the shoulder and told me she would get her settled down.
My own tears began falling on the walk to the car. I took the curb on the way out of the parking lot as I tried to clear my eyes. I don't know why. Frustration? Exhaustion? Helplessness?
I need a vacation.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Momma's Got A Boyfriend
It's kind of funny how smart kids are. You can try and sneak around behind their back, or be nonchalant about something, but they can read grown-ups like a book. Sitting in the car yesterday with B and kiddo on the way to get snow cones, kiddo began singing "Momma's got a boyfriend, momma's got a boyfriend." My face flushed red and I laughed nervously...because truly, honestly...I'm not sure if I do or not.
It's been a while since I've actually successfully dated. It's something that I've actually been avoiding like the plague since kiddo was born, because a lot of guys my age are just not mature enough to handle dating a girl with a child. They expect you to be able to drop whatever you're doing and go out for shots on a Wednesday night, or shoot, to be able to go out at all upon short notice. Having a child means finding childcare, finding decent clothes that haven't been ruined by said child, and finding the energy to be perky and cute and talk about something other than iCarly for a few hours. It was just something that I wasn't prepared to tackle...until B came along.
So, needless to say, I don't really understand all the nuances of dating just yet. It's supposed to be like riding a bike, right? Once you do it, you never just "lose" how. Or, at least that's what I thought. But I was horribly wrong. Every date has been spectacular. From the first dinner date where we sat and talked long after our waitress' shift had end and they'd locked the restaurant doors, to taking kiddo out (after several dates, just he and I...I am tough on who I let around the kiddo, after all) to the park, and earning her seal of approval after a trip to the custard shop.
But here we are...two-ish months after that first date, and while we've spent evenings cuddled up on the couch playing games on his iPad, laid on the floor reading stupid books...we don't have a "title." I guess it's not something I should be worried about, but I'd love to be able to call him something other than just "the guy I've been dating." I want him to be my boyfriend. I want to hold his hand and tell him stupid jokes that make him snort. I want him to make me try more awful food (by the way, Thai is *not* a favorite.) I know we can do all that WITHOUT the title, but something about making it "official" is something I long for so badly. I want kiddo's song to be right, and I want to skip through the house like a dork and sing it myself at the top of my lungs.
I'll just wait it out, for now, though. As much as I'd love those words of semi-commitment from him, I can be content with just being "the girl and guy who have been dating."
But if I'm this bad now...I'm scared for my daughter when she comes to me for dating advice years down the road.
Maybe I'll just lock her in the room 'til she's forty.
It's been a while since I've actually successfully dated. It's something that I've actually been avoiding like the plague since kiddo was born, because a lot of guys my age are just not mature enough to handle dating a girl with a child. They expect you to be able to drop whatever you're doing and go out for shots on a Wednesday night, or shoot, to be able to go out at all upon short notice. Having a child means finding childcare, finding decent clothes that haven't been ruined by said child, and finding the energy to be perky and cute and talk about something other than iCarly for a few hours. It was just something that I wasn't prepared to tackle...until B came along.
So, needless to say, I don't really understand all the nuances of dating just yet. It's supposed to be like riding a bike, right? Once you do it, you never just "lose" how. Or, at least that's what I thought. But I was horribly wrong. Every date has been spectacular. From the first dinner date where we sat and talked long after our waitress' shift had end and they'd locked the restaurant doors, to taking kiddo out (after several dates, just he and I...I am tough on who I let around the kiddo, after all) to the park, and earning her seal of approval after a trip to the custard shop.
But here we are...two-ish months after that first date, and while we've spent evenings cuddled up on the couch playing games on his iPad, laid on the floor reading stupid books...we don't have a "title." I guess it's not something I should be worried about, but I'd love to be able to call him something other than just "the guy I've been dating." I want him to be my boyfriend. I want to hold his hand and tell him stupid jokes that make him snort. I want him to make me try more awful food (by the way, Thai is *not* a favorite.) I know we can do all that WITHOUT the title, but something about making it "official" is something I long for so badly. I want kiddo's song to be right, and I want to skip through the house like a dork and sing it myself at the top of my lungs.
I'll just wait it out, for now, though. As much as I'd love those words of semi-commitment from him, I can be content with just being "the girl and guy who have been dating."
But if I'm this bad now...I'm scared for my daughter when she comes to me for dating advice years down the road.
Maybe I'll just lock her in the room 'til she's forty.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
A Man to Marry
I swear, the excitment with my child never stops. She has the amazing ability to turn even those most bland of conversations into something worth texting my mom about. A couple days ago, while out and about with B, the guy I've been dating the past several weeks (I guess he's not officially my boyfriend...I'm so inept at this whole dating situation that I can't say I'm 100% positive WHAT he is.) we stopped for frozen custard. Of course, as soon as we walked in the doors, kiddo saw the poster on the wall with the pictures of all their delicious "signature" treats, immediately choosing the Dirt and Worms variety (Oreo cookies & gummi worms in vanilla custard) for herself, and picking out one for me, and one for B as well.
Well, everything was going fairly normal (for us, at least...I can't say we're ever truly "normal") until we sat down in the booth with our custard and kiddo began talking about her daddy and her soon-to-be stepmom. Her story about trying on flower girl dresses was quickly followed by a rather chipper, "My mommy really needs to find some guy to marry!"
I felt my face flush red and I buried it in my hands, just laughing. Of course, B, being the amazing sport he is laughed and asked her why and she responded that she "needs a stepdad." Welp...at least she knows what she wants?
And the fact that B didn't get the deer-in-the-headlights look and flee from us when kiddo called him my boyfriend 17 times and put her flowery headband on his head, and then announced to him that I need to find a man to marry...well, that speaks pretty highly of him.
Well, everything was going fairly normal (for us, at least...I can't say we're ever truly "normal") until we sat down in the booth with our custard and kiddo began talking about her daddy and her soon-to-be stepmom. Her story about trying on flower girl dresses was quickly followed by a rather chipper, "My mommy really needs to find some guy to marry!"
I felt my face flush red and I buried it in my hands, just laughing. Of course, B, being the amazing sport he is laughed and asked her why and she responded that she "needs a stepdad." Welp...at least she knows what she wants?
And the fact that B didn't get the deer-in-the-headlights look and flee from us when kiddo called him my boyfriend 17 times and put her flowery headband on his head, and then announced to him that I need to find a man to marry...well, that speaks pretty highly of him.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Five, Going on Twenty
I'm certain that every parent on this planet has had the "do as I say, not as I do," talk with their child. I've known, since my child was born, that it was bound to happen. The thing is, I didn't expect it to happen so soon. But, of course, my child never ceases to amaze me, and as always, she threw me a real curveball in the car the other day...
"When I grow up, I'm going to have two kids - one girl and one boy. But, I'm gonna make sure and have the girl before I get married!"
I'm sure my eyes were the size of saucers as the words came out of her mouth, and I stammered, trying to find the words to respond to her.
"Uhmm...why are you planning on having her before you get married, sweetie?"
"So that she can be my flower girl!"
I paused a moment and shook my head, quickly explaining to my wedding-minded child that you do not, in fact, need a child to be your flower girl. I explained to her that most people will ask their cousins, neices, nephews, or even children of friends to be their flower girls. She thought about it for a long moment before speaking again.
"But...you had me and you aren't married."
Yep. There it is. I kind of had a feeling it was coming, as soon as I told her having a kid before getting married wasn't the best idea. So, I began explaining to her that being a parent is very hard - and that being a single parent is even harder (and extremely expensive). I thought I made a pretty good argument from my point, but she debunked it all with her next statement...
"Well mom, I'm almost 20!"
"When I grow up, I'm going to have two kids - one girl and one boy. But, I'm gonna make sure and have the girl before I get married!"
I'm sure my eyes were the size of saucers as the words came out of her mouth, and I stammered, trying to find the words to respond to her.
"Uhmm...why are you planning on having her before you get married, sweetie?"
"So that she can be my flower girl!"
I paused a moment and shook my head, quickly explaining to my wedding-minded child that you do not, in fact, need a child to be your flower girl. I explained to her that most people will ask their cousins, neices, nephews, or even children of friends to be their flower girls. She thought about it for a long moment before speaking again.
"But...you had me and you aren't married."
Yep. There it is. I kind of had a feeling it was coming, as soon as I told her having a kid before getting married wasn't the best idea. So, I began explaining to her that being a parent is very hard - and that being a single parent is even harder (and extremely expensive). I thought I made a pretty good argument from my point, but she debunked it all with her next statement...
"Well mom, I'm almost 20!"
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Six in the Air
It was in the car just last week that I came to the decision that I am not a fan of Rhianna. Now, don't get me wrong, her songs are extremely catchy, and are some of the favorites in my shower-singing repertoire. But, when my five year old daughter belted out a verse of her new whips-and-chains themed hit, my jaw hit the floor.
"SIX in the air..." she sang at the top of her lungs. The ending of the song was quickly followed by a "Mommy, can we listen to that 'sticks and stones' song again?!" I quickly responded that it was on the radio so I couldn't replay it, but was still in shock at what I'd just heard.
"Hey...what did you say was in the air in that song, again?" "SIX!" she quickly retorted. I breathed a sigh of relief, but then and there made the decision that when Miss Priss is in the car, I think we'll be sticking to CDs only...or maybe the Christian station. All the six in the air is starting to get to me...
"SIX in the air..." she sang at the top of her lungs. The ending of the song was quickly followed by a "Mommy, can we listen to that 'sticks and stones' song again?!" I quickly responded that it was on the radio so I couldn't replay it, but was still in shock at what I'd just heard.
"Hey...what did you say was in the air in that song, again?" "SIX!" she quickly retorted. I breathed a sigh of relief, but then and there made the decision that when Miss Priss is in the car, I think we'll be sticking to CDs only...or maybe the Christian station. All the six in the air is starting to get to me...
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