Kiddo has cried every day for the past two weeks. There's been a number of reasons that she's given. She didn't want to be the line leader, she didn't get to hug her grandma, she was upset she had to wear short socks...But last night, I think I finally got to the bottom of the real reason she's been crying.
First of all, let me preface this by saying - anyone who is part of a parenting TEAM, is so incredibly lucky. To have a mother and a father in the same household, or even nearby is such a blessing. True, you may get irritated with your husband sometimes. Maybe he leaves the seat up, or leaves his stubble in the sink. But in the grand scheme of things, it's important to realize how lucky you are (so long as it is a healthy relationship without abuse, etc. etc. If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out!)
That being said...my daughter has been crying, every single day for the past two weeks, because she misses her daddy. Yep, the daddy that decided that moving across the country to northern California was a great idea. The daddy that promised to take her to the beach and let her collect seashells. The daddy who has since been laid off from that job in northern California and stopped sending me any kind of support (not that it was a lot to begin with, but the little he did send helped). The daddy who has said he would come to visit around Valentine's Day and didn't. The daddy who first said he'd be moving back in May, and has since changed his story to, "well...our lease isn't up until August..."
When he left, she cried. For weeks. Every day after school she would just cry and cry and cry. She wouldn't eat. Finally, I thought we were all okay about the situation...until recently. Now, it is happening again, only now, she doesn't wait until after school. She cries in the morning getting ready instead, and then during lunch. She cries enough that I've had a teacher's aide from another class mention it to me.
And it's not fair. Why do I get to be the one trying to fix this? Why doesn't dear old dad have to step up to the plate and tell his daughter she needs to get it together so she can go to class?
I let her tears get to me this morning. I'd walked her into school and we were getting ready to walk back into the kindergarten area and the waterworks started again. I held her and told her it was going to be alright, daddy will be moving back soon, and that she needed to take a deep breath. But the tears kept on coming. Her pre-k teacher from last year walked by and saw her crying and stopped to talk to me. She mentioned having seen her upset yesterday morning and asked her what was wrong...of course, she started crying even harder, and I had to translate her words through her tears. When I told the teacher she was crying because her daddy lives far away, I had to lift my head and stare into the fluorescents to try and hold back the tears. I think she knew it, too, because she took kiddo's hand and walked her back, patted me on the shoulder and told me she would get her settled down.
My own tears began falling on the walk to the car. I took the curb on the way out of the parking lot as I tried to clear my eyes. I don't know why. Frustration? Exhaustion? Helplessness?
I need a vacation.